In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
