Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
