so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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