i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
