My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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