I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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