What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
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i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
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I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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