I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
