My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's rum buckets o'clock
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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