I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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