Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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