My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She told me I should be a condom model.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
