he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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