please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
