I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
