i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
