It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
