I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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