I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
