Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
