so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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