i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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