I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
