He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
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It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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