Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
