I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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