I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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