watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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