This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
