Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
