Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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