Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
