we have pet lesbian snakes
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
