this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
