Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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