I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
