I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
