I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
