I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
