i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
