my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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