So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
