Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
