she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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