I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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