can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
