WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Someone shit on the floor
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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