I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
