He uses pillows to masturbate.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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