i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Randomize
