Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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