That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
