Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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