I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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