she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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