Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
