Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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