12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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