So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
